10 Movies You Don't Want to Admit You Love - Part 1

I might make another list as time goes by, but I've just been thinking about all the bad movies that I secretly loved watching over the years, and I find more and more that other people have a sort of... affinity for these movies as well. Of course, it's a secret affair that they never, ever want anyone to know about. But it exists. And I'm here to call you out on it.

Now, I know some of you will probably deny it. Most of you will. That's good. You're further proving my point. You just don't want to admit you like these movies. Afraid of losing face. Losing credibility. Well, it's time to pull those skeletons out of your closets. Because this shit's about to get real, yo.

10. The Karate Kid (2010)

Initial reaction: What. The. Fuck.

Why We Pretend to Hate it

Where to begin? It's a remake of a beloved classic from the 80's. All children of the 80's know you do NOT remake beloved classics from the 80's. What's next, Red Dawn starring the cast of Jersey Shore?

Pictured: Our only hope against the Commies. God help us.

So that was strike one. The 1984 version of The Karate Kid has become the quintissential underdog story of a generation. And Will Smith had the nerve to remake it. Casting his son in the lead. Strike two. Nepotism. Will Smith put this film together as a vehicle for his son. Jaden wanted to make a movie, and Will was like... okay. So they made one. Set in China. With... strike three... Jackie Chan as the Mr. Miyagi equivalent. Pat Morita earned an Oscar nomination for that role. Mr. Miyagi is, arguably, one of the most memorable characters ever. And who did they replace him with?

This guy. This. Fucking. Guy.

Jackie Chan is one of Hollywood's biggest martial artists who has appeared in many entertaining (and many terrible) action films. What we do not perceive him as, however, is an actor. And "Mr. Miyagi" (his name was changed due to the film now taking place in China) needs to be played by an actor. Oh, and as an added deduction (if Baseball had four strikes, this would would be the metaphorical strike four), it is rather common knowledge that Karate is a Japanese Martial Art - and Jaden Smith is in China. Learning Kung Fu. In fact, I give them credit for not referring to it as Karate at all - except for Taraji P. Henson, who is promptly corrected by Jaden. So the title doesn't even make sense anymore.

Oh, and the director, Harold Zwart... He's responsible for THIS.

You hear that? That's the sound of your childhood slitting its wrists. 

A week before this movie came out, it was destined to flop. No one wanted to see it. Internet message boards were filled with protests from film geeks who were offended by the notion that their childhood was being brutally raped by a Hollywood studio system gone mad with power. It was clear nobody wanted to see this movie.

Why We Secretly Love It

The numbers don't lie. $55,665,805 opening weekend. Overall theatrical gross $176,591,618 - in the U.S.A. alone. Big deal, right? Bad movies make lots of money at the box office all the time. Doesn't mean a damn thing. But hold on. It was a movie NO ONE wanted to see, right? Well, evidently... everyone was lying through their friggin' teeth. Because EVERYONE saw this damn movie. Not to mention it has a respectable 66% Tomatometer rating (67% from Top Critics). That's incredible for a movie no one wanted to see happen.

Why do we secretly love it? Because in theory it should not have worked... With its mind-boggling cast, poor choice in director, longer-than-it-has-any-right-to-be running time, and the fact that it's an obviously Hollywoodized remake of a childhood favorite, it should have fallen flat on its face. But it didn't. Against all odds, The 2010 version of The Karate Kid thrived, both critically and commercially. It was a respectable update to the classic story, had exquisite cinematography and a great score by James Horner (fresh off of his Avatar high). Jaden Smith proved to be a worthy young actor and a chip off the old block - his future in movies is set in stone. As for Jackie Chan... He surprised everyone with his best English-language performance ever (sadly, the clip I wanted to use can't be found online - but this one's not bad either).

This remake gave the old story a larger, more epic approach. We are given a protagonist we want to see succeed (if, for nothing else, because he's... like... a tiny Will Smith, man), a wonderful supporting cast, and a film that's generally breathtaking to look at. It was way more than anyone expected in more ways than one. You might still scorn and scoff at it, because Ralph Macchio can never be replaced... but The Karate Kid is difficult NOT to enjoy - '84 or '10. And let's face it... At least it's better than The Karate Kid Part III...

9. Armageddon 

In some states if an American Flag is not present you are allowed to salute this poster in its place.

Half of you are thinking, "I love this movie and I'm not afraid to show it." If this is you, congratulations. You're NOT a film geek. You're a casual moviegoer - and whether film geeks like it or not, you are keeping the industry in business. As a future filmmaker myself, I thank you. The other half of you wanna tell me to go fuck myself. "I'm not pretending anything," you might say, "I really DO hate that movie. How dare you insinuate otherwise?"

Why We Pretend to Hate It

Two words: Michael Bay. If you study film like I did, you'll find that your professors do NOT want you to be like Michael Bay (or Quentin Tarantino, but that's a story for a different article). Michael Bay is the type of filmmaker most serious film scholars hate because he does a lot of pandering. Like... a whole lot of pandering. If you look at his birth certificate, you'll find that his full name is actually Michael Spectacle Bay. I don't know if you've noticed, but Michael Bay's movies have more explosions than they do dialogue.

This single frame has more explosions in it than The Hurt Locker in its entirety.

Why We Secretly Love It

We're human beings, and believe it or not, we LIKE to be pandered to. From time to time, we like to take a break from all the art films and Oscar winners, and watch a big, dumb, action movie. Enter Armageddon. Its premise doesn't make any damn sense. Teaching a bunch of oil drillers how to be astronauts so they can fly up to an asteroid and blow it up before it hits Earth sounds really implausible and inefficient - I'm sure it would take much less time teaching actual astronauts how to drill. But Bruce Willis is more believable as a bad-ass if he spent his entire life drilling for oil, so it all kind of evens out.

Astronauts are not legally allowed to look this awesome.

So what does this say about our society? Are we getting dumber? Are we demanding less from our entertainment? Is Mike Judge's Idiocracy that close to becoming a reality? Not quite. From the beginning, movies were all about spectacle. The Lumiére Brothers didn't have any "story" or "depth" in their early films. They just set a camera down, shot some footage and showed it to audiences who were wowed by the fact that the damn pictures were moving. Later on, filmmakers would add stories and stuff to their films. But spectacle never left us.

Today, we still have filmmakers who exist simply to give us eye candy. Enter Michael Bay, who knows a thing or two about human nature. Particularly, that we like to watch shit blow up. This is not new. There is something about explosions that's visually exciting. Who doesn't like watching Fireworks go off on the Fourth of July? Theme parks will often have attractions where things will explode in front of guests. Until the end of last year, Universal Studios in Hollywood had a Backdraft-themed attraction where, literally, guests stand in a warehouse and watch it burn to the fucking ground. Interesting note, that attraction was removed to make way for a Transformers-themed ride. You guessed it. Michael Bay.

"I can out-explosion THAT thing without even trying."

Not only does Armageddon cater to our primitive desire to watch shit blow up, but also our primitive desire to feel things. Truth be told, singing the Star-Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl with a hot-dog barbecue in the background, the U.S. Marines, Hulk Hogan and Superman fighting off Nazis at the endzone could not instill a bigger sense of Patriotism than the movie Armageddon. The American Flag is so prevalent in that movie, it's a wonder that movie was so successful overseas. Oh, wait. That's probably because those primitive desires are not restricted to the United States.

The way the film plays with our emotions... Sure, it's not exactly "original". Titanic did all that shit the year before, and movies have been doing it for decades. But when all is said and done, it's effective. Who doesn't want to shed a tear when Liv Tyler's hand touches the monitor just as Bruce Willis' face fades into static? I know I did... Shut up.

And there's one more reason we love this movie, although it really doesn't have to do with the movie itself... This video was freakin' AWESOME! AMERICA!!!!! WOOOOOO!